also doesn't help that i only managed to fall asleep at 3.30am last night.

every single sentence pre-formed in my mind at the moment has the bloody f word in it. but cursing and swearing isn't going to help anything.

don't really know what to say, other than today has been exceptionally awful. that stupid wooden door that closed on my hand. it still hurts. so bloody painful i couldn't breathe let alone cry. but couldn't stop to cry or tell anyone it hurt because i knew no one there. and myra was so busy with making the drinks there was no one else around but me to deal with the dine in customers, and the take outs. never felt half as scared and helpless as i did then. wasn't even possible to laugh at myself like i did that time when my head was bleeding like crazy from that stupid tree branch.

it doesn't help that i am alone. doesn't help that all i know how to do is drive people away. i'm like this major puddle of angst and hurt right now and i hate how i'm deleting everything i want to say before they even materialize as words on this screen because everything i say can be second guessed and read deeper for meanings i never intended/ never will intend, because heavy weight of expectations from people i can never live up to are crushing me and breathing is such a chore now and i am absolutely incoherent-

epiphany. just that it's self-condemning.