okay i also have a theory of why i'm blogging a lot more now. it's like talking to myself, except when i try to hold conversations with myself in my head, i tend to forget what i said to myself. so it's quite hard to hold a conversation when i finish one side and forgot what i started with. at least when i type, i can read what i wrote. so because i am one sad lonely soul with nobody to talk to, i have to talk to myself, and this is the sanest way i can talk to myself without appearing like i've lost my marbles.

in other news, i am quite miserable about the fact the my waistline expanded by 2 inches, never mind that i measured it after lunch. 2 inches. i have to do something about that waistline. or one day, karma will really bite me in the ass for all the horrible shit i say about fat people.

i'm very obviously grabbing at random nonsensical thoughts floating about in my head for a self-conversation topic. i am also very obviously not very good at making conversation. sometimes i find myself highly boring and unoriginal. when i talk to people, most of it is just story re-telling. like, i heard from XXX that blahblahblah. and it just repeats itself. then i listen, and then i retell to the next person i meet. my sad life. why am i so damn boring? i've no freaking idea. must be all the stuffy and boring shit that i read. at least fantasy novels sounded cool, except after a while they're all pretty much the same. now? nobody even wants to hear about the stuff i read, haha.

i'm on a self-deprecating roll. i'm jobless and bored and (pretty much) friend-less. in the day it's fine cause i can like go out and roam the streets like the useless bum that i am. but at night, there's nothing to do, no one to talk to, i'm not tired enough to fall asleep, then my mind starts going places it should never even try to access, and i feel miserable. cue vienna teng's song lyrics it's the quite night that breaks me/ i cannot stand the sight of this familiar place

argh i could drown in this silence interrupted by the whirring of the fan behind me and the sound of eric's song on loop.

oh and a strange thought just occurred to me. i'd like to die in the presence of beautiful music :) i'd die contented haha. preferably a recording, cause you see, for live performances, there's always a chance of there being a wrong note/ out of tune instrument (including vocals) haha shucks i'll be an asshole for the rest of my life